What better way to end the year than to rant about the celebutards who topped my list in 2010? And if I could, this is what I would say to these particular folks if I ran into them say, at a celebrity charity event aimed at curing phobophobia:
To Justin Bieber:
Justin, great to meet such a, aahh, singing sensation. Quick question, did you buy your Flowbee or was it a gift?
To Mel Gibson:
Mel, Mel, Mel....I take it that on some subconscious level it never occurred to you that having a baby with a chick that looks just like Octomom could somehow get you embroiled in a kid related shitstorm?
To Tiger Woods and Jesse James:
Oh actually, I would prefer not to shake your hands. Hey, I was just curious if you guys have ever, uh, dated Real Dolls too?
To Kim Kardashian:
Sweetie, listen up. I have pulled out my calculator and determined you have now exceeded your 15 minutes of fame by 2,102,485.
To Chaz Bono (formerly known as Chastity Bono):
Ch-Ch-Chaaaaaaaz. Congratulations on your sex change! I was just wondering why you didn't go with the name Dick.
To Gavin Rossdale:
Dude, what a confession! Have you heard your teenage fling with a gay crossing dressing singer has inspired a No Doubt classic remix? Their new version is entitled: Oh I’m Just A Guy, Dressed Up Like A Girl.
To Charlie Sheen:
Psst, Charlie, come here. Have you heard about the white hot new fantasy hero script being shopped around Hollywood? It’s called Teflonman and it's the story of an insane superhuman guy who keeps divorcing his wives after being caught with hookers while using copious amounts of illegal drugs, yet his career continues to thrive.....
To Eva Longoria:
Oh Eva, sorry to hear about your divorce. I bet you were real surprised too, since you know, NBA players are so notorious for their fidelity.
To Brett Farve:
Brett, you've probably taken a few conks to the head, huh? Here, take this piece of paper, it's a very simple little equation I put together from a female perspective. You might want to use before your next sext message:
schlong in hand + crocs on feet = ickypoo
To Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt:
Who are you people? And are you two capable of reproducing with each other?
To Al Gore:
Al. Can I call you Al? I've given it some thought and have concluded I’m not sure which is more depressing: that you got a divorce after 40 years of marriage or that people still think you invented the internet.
To Jeremy London:
Jeremy, what an ordeal! Listen, I can totally empathize with your tale of kidnappers who nabbed you just to force you to do drugs, because the same thing happened to me once too. Except my kidnappers forced me to go to Nordstrom’s and spend $800 on a Marc Jacobs handbag for myself.
To Brad Cooper and Ryan Reynolds:
You know what? I have absolutely nothing bad to say. You guys are totally hot. Do whatever you want.