I have been working diligently on my book. Mind you, I haven’t written a single line yet, but I have been doing all the groundwork to get myself prepared to write (you can stop snickering now). I have vetted out the plot line, completed character sketches (a heroine you will hopefully love, along with her nemesis you will hopefully hate), developed a fictitious corporation (with a fictitious org chart even!) and brainstormed a bunch of ideas. Now all that is left for me to do is make a chapter outline based on everything I have put together, so I can finally start to really write. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that I can do this…’cause I’m a little scared. (So scared in fact, that I sorta wish all of you would come over to my house at the same time, hold my hands while singing Kumbaya, then gently shove me towards my computer).
Anyway, all the above was my way of explaining why I have been MIA lately. (And by MIA, I don’t mean to insinuate that that was me, MIA, flipping you off during the Superbowl halftime show, because it wasn’t. And can I add I was mildly offended by her middle finger. But not because I have a problem with the word fuck, which I don’t, especially since it truly is one of my favorite words. I mean for fuck’s sake, that word is practically as versatile as a little black dress. No I was offended because who the fuck does MIA think she is giving me and every other American the finger, while dressed like a marked down to 49 cent Walmart version of Cleopatra? I mean for God’s sake woman, you’re sportin’ polka dots, trapezoid shaped hair, and a giant M [for moron?] on your skirt, while screeching out three lines of someone else’s song and you’re flipping me off? I think the USA would collectively like to give you a giant Fuck You right back. Oh and MIA? Just to let you know, when you’re new CD drops, I’ll be MIA too, and thus unavailable to purchase your crappy music, no matter how much my kids beg.)
But I digress. Again.
What I really wanted to do was share my most recent life observations. Maybe you have found these to be true too?
- Somehow it is infinity easier to gain five pounds than it is to lose five pounds. This kind of pisses me off because it should be as hard to gain five pounds, as it is lose it. Who can I file an official complaint to about this weight imbalance?
- If you think it is not possible to screw up making Rice Krispy treats for your kids, please note you would be wrong. Because it is possible. Especially when you try to substitute Shedd’s Spread for butter in an effort to make ‘the treats’ healthier. (And also, what is the real name of this phony butter product anyway? Shedd’s Spread? Country Crock? Shedd’s Spread Country Crock? I looked it up and it is not very clear. This is what happens when stupid Sam’s Club doesn’t have Smart Balance. Which is exactly why I am not renewing my membership and will instead be joining the newish Costco. Where I will hopefully run into Jen Lancaster and spy on what bulk items she buys).
- I guess snotty women wearing Lululemon from head to sockless toe and who participate in yogalites (it’s yoga, it’s pilates, it’s yogalites!) classes on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at a specific health club located in the North Shore suburbs of Chicago are not immune to farting aloud during mid pelvic curl. I hope you know I laughed my ass off. On the inside.
- Sometimes a woman’s internal clock will spontaneously decide to set itself to awake at 4:15 a.m. for six days straight, rendering said woman to have a thirty minute silent debate with herself in the dark on whether or not she should get up and go pee. The main question pondered during this debate is if the 4:15 a.m. self-wake-up-call will morph into a daily unwanted routine. Even though ironically, it already has.
- Why is it the faster I need to get through a grocery store, the slower and more clueless the other shoppers seem to be pushing their carts in the middle of the aisle?
- It took me a few years to figure it out, but damn, Arrested Development is one funny TV series. And with those eyes, hair, and personality, Jason Bateman has become my new favorite little hottie hot hottie.
- 98% of the time when someone has said to me “that’s how I roll” I have wanted to punch them in the head, because in my 98% of real life experiences, only tools and douchebags have said that to me.
And that’s all I got. Have a great week.