Women's Magazines

I’ve recently realized after many years of reading magazines, that somewhere along the way I have become indifferent to many of their articles.  Because month after month, I am bombarded with silly advice on how to lose weight, look younger, eat healthier, dress smarter, act sexier, live longer, and blah, blah, blah, ba-f*cking-blah.

Want proof of the mind paralyzing drivel women not only subject ourselves to, but actually pay a few bucks for, every month?

Here are bits of real titles and subtitles (in red) of articles I read and/or skimmed over in just ONE magazine issued for women in May 2011. Of course I had no choice but to follow up these articles with my rebuttal because I decided it’s time to show magazines how this reader perceives their pieces.

Hot Move:

Get Jennifer Hudson’s Ooh-La-La Arms:

Uh, yeah, I looked at your featured picture of Jennifer arms, and no offense to Jennifer, but I have to say I really don’t think her arms look all that Ooh-La-La.  They just look sort of Ooh.  No La-La.  So, I’m not going do that one recommended exercise for 4 weeks x 3 sets x 25 reps, I’m just going to not care or stick to wearing longer sleeves.

We’LL Take Ours SUNNY-SIDE UP!  

Eggs Contain Significantly Less 

Cholesterol Than They Did 10 Years Ago:

Well actually, I find this fact disconcerting.  Because it could only mean that some corporation has been messing around with the genetic coding of my eggs, since this kind of change doesn’t randomly occur in nature over the miniscule course of 10 years. (But I guess it’s easy to avoid this rationale when the Incredible Edible Egg advertises in your magazine.)

The Upside of Exercise:

Working Out Can Work as Well as Drugs or

 Counseling to Ease Anxiety and Depression:

Yes, well maybe it does.  But does it taste as good as margaritas? Or give you the spins after a particularly voracious session of imbibing with your friends, thus serving as a distinct reminder of your cathartic good time? I think not. Plus I’m sure the amount of time needed to produce said effect at gym takes more time than to pour out a glass or six, of Jose Cuervo’s ready-to-serve Golden Margarita drink.

The Burning Question:  

Do I Need to Buy Organic Chicken:

You know surprisingly, this question never pops into my head whenever I am standing in line at the KFC, so therefore, I believe the answer to be no.

Great Shape: Skinny Up Your Kitchen:

Ditch Diet Soda, Use Stackable Containers, and

March in Place While Dinner is Simmering:

March in place while I am making dinner? Get rid of my beloved afternoon Diet Coke? Try to find lids to fit my any of my food containers? A-hahahaha. I get it, you guys are being satirical, right? Thanks for the chuckle. I think your article just helped me burn three calories.

Your Total Body Shaper:

Stop Cellulite 3 Ways:

LIES! LIES! LIES! We all know whatever bogus advice I am about to read will not work. In fact this article is probably contributing to my cellulite right now by triggering the release of stress hormones, due to my strong desire to beat the author and the magazine editor about the heads with a small wooden club over this article on behalf of all womankind.

8 Candies Under 80 Calories:

Guilt Free Movie Munchies: 1 cup Movie Popcorn, 16 M&Ms, 4 Chocolate Covered Pretzels, 3 Swedish Fish, 31 Sno-Caps, and 2 Twizzler Twists:

Listen up. If you think I am actually going to sit in a dark movie theater and count out a meager portion of my food after I just invested $31 to buy it, you’re high.  Plus honestly, who the hell can only eat one cup of movie popcorn?  In fact there are times I wish I could skip the effort it takes to eat the damn movie popcorn and purchase a shot of the fake butter concoction, since that is the real flavor I’m craving anyway.

Three Secrets of a Dream Body:

1) Don’t Snub the Scale  2) Write it Down and 3):

There is no #3, on account that I fell asleep of boredom after reading numbers 1 & 2 and then drooled on the magazine print and it smudged.

Shape Up Before Summer With These 6 Easy Moves:

Too late! Summer is here already. Next.

Which Sleep Style is the Healthiest?

Ah hell, I can answer this question without even reading the article.  It’s the kind that is not interrupted by my noisy-ass husband, my like-to-stay-up-late-children, and my bed hogging cat who sometimes bites my toes at 3 a.m. because she feels like playing.

So tell me folks. am I alone here in feeling this way???  Are magazine articles getting stupider? Or am I just being more intolerant than normal? (Which genuinely, I didn’t even think was possible.)