The Drive-Thru

The following is an example of why people at the McDonald’s drive through hate me:

France: Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Can you hear me?

A static-y and muffled voice responds.

Cashier: Yes I can hear you. Can I take your order please?

F: Oh, you’re there. I need a minute, is that okay?

C: Yes ma’am.

At this point I confer with my kids, meaning I tell them they can only order a hamburger Happy Meal, even though they are too old for a Happy Meal, because as far as fast food goes, I feel this is the least obnoxious option. (Their response makes me wonder if McDonald’s will ever have the ingenuity to make a Talking Back, Eye Ball Rolling, Sulky Kids Meal).

F: Hello? Hello?

C: I’m here.

F: Okay, I need one hamburger Happy Meal with fries please.  I need the burger plain.

C: That’s one plain Happy Meal, will this be for a boy or a girl?

F: Uh, excuse me one second.

Now my kid is telling me she wants ketchup on the burger. 

F: Hello, that plain burger Happy Meal, can you put ketchup on it? It’s for a girl, but it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t want the toy.

C: Okay. What would you like to drink with that?

F: Apple juice please.

C: Anything else?

F: Yes. I need another Happy Meal, this time a cheeseburger with fries. But I need it plain with ketchup and cheese, and a little bit of mayonnaise, if that’s allowed.

C: You said you need it plain?

F: Plain with cheese and ketchup and mayonnaise. For my other daughter, who obviously, also is a girl, and also doesn’t want the toy.

C: So you want a cheeseburger with ketchup and mayonnaise?

F: Well only a tiny bit of mayonnaise. Like a dime sized amount. Can you guys do that on a Happy Meal burger? Is that allowed?

C: Mayonnaise is allowed. What about the drink?

F: Sorry, I thought I told you apple juice.

C: That was for the other Happy Meal.

Someone behind me in line now honks.

C: Is that all?

F: No.

We both wait a few of seconds.

C: Is there anything else then?

F: Yes, I am looking at your menu.

There are 9 bazillion items on the menu. Plus, the sun is hitting the plexi-glass and the glare is making it hard to read.  We don’t really eat at McDonald’s, I don’t know the menu by heart. I search for the beverage section but can’t seem to find it.

F: Do you guys still have $1 ice tea, I don’t see it?

C: Yes.

F: Does that mean I can get the biggest ice tea I want for $1, whatever size that is? Like jumbo if I want? For only a $1?

The cashier doesn’t answer.

F: Hello?

C: Yes.

F: Yes, what? Yes I can get jumbo for $1? Or, yes as in hello back?

C: Yes you can get a jumbo for $1, would you like your tea sweetened or unsweetened?

F: Definitely unsweetened. But could I get 6 Splendas to go with it? On the side please.

I realize 6 Splendas sound excessive and if I am going to use that much, then I should just get the sweetened tea. But I want to be in control of how much sugar is my tea, even if it is a funky sugar derivative.  I hear another honk from behind, this time, it’s a little more aggressive. And did I hear the engine rev?

C: Is that it?

I am silent for a few seconds as I review the order on the little screen.

C: Ma'am? Will that be all?

F: Yep, I’m pretty sure, that’s it. Thank you!

The angry person, who is a guy in pick-up, has had enough and now swerves around and in front of me, essentially cutting me off. What an asshole. The kids meanwhile, are shocked at the brazen maneuver, as they both rush to tell me what just happened (as if I didn’t see it for myself).

C: Please pull up to the first window please.

Which I can’t, because angry guy is now there and paying for something.  So I wait. My kids are looking at me, expecting some kind of an explanation. And then I tell them that sometimes guys in pick ups are angry, maybe I muse, it's because the rides are bumpy; it could be that years of bumpy rides slowly loosen up driver brain bits that are supposed to be intact, resulting in a slew of personality problems, including impatience. (I don’t know about you, but for me it’s rare that I ever see a guy in a pick-up who isn’t driving like a swarm of bees are all up in his ass.) 

Pick-up guy then pulls up to the next window and gets a drink. Ah, so he was angry and thirsty. That’s a tough combination.  I pull up to the first window with the cashier.

C: That will be $6.39.

F: I think I agitated the guy in the pick-up, don’t you? (I hand her a $10).

C: I think so too ma’am (she gives me a sardonic smile).  Here’s your change. Please immediately pull up to the next window.

Hmmmp. I am pretty sure being told by a teen drive-through cashier at McDonalds to immediately pull up to the next window is a first for me. I pull up to the next window and get our food.  As we pull away, my eldest informed me they gave us someone else’s order, and sure enough, they did. Adult chicken tenders and an order of fries.

So honest me, I get back in the drive through line to return the food (although had it been something bacon-y, I might have not been so honest.  I may have also stole a fry or two from the bag that wasn't mine, as a small token for the inconvenience I was sure I was about to experience). My kid with the cheeseburger informs me that her burger has onions and pickles on it and no mayonnaise (which I tell her: tough luck kid). The line is long and when I get to the window, the cashier is not happy to see me. I explain what happened and she sends me to the next window.

Because I think I see his manager standing close to him, twice I try to quietly explain to the fool who gave us the wrong food, that he gave us the wrong food. But he doesn’t seem to understand or hear or even care. Finally after his third time asking, “What do you need”? I shout back, “I don’t need anything, I’m just trying to return the food you gave me that I didn’t order or pay for!”

That got his attention, and two other McDonald’s employees as well. They all stand still for a second and look around (I think they were contemplating consulting a manual for this situation). I give him the bag and as I punch the gas, I realize that for all those people at McDonald’s who thought I was a giant pain in the ass, well guess what?

The feeling is SO mutual.