Carolee Bildsten’s Unique Weapon

Carolee Bildsten has had a couple of rough months. 

One minute Carolee, a 56 year old registered dietician with the American Diabetes Association, was rhapsodizing about the safety of eating moldy food in newsletters (i.e. The Clinton Holistic and Health Advisory Ministry of Clinton AME Zion Church for the likes of Rev. William M. White, Jr.) and the next, she was a weaponry renegade, deviating from the criminal norm and using malleable-like ammunition on an adept police officer.

Confused?  Let me recount Carolee’s fascinating woes with facts, plus some personal speculation, that I have pieced together from various local news sources. 

Carolee first displayed a potential lack of judgment on November 9, 2010, when she decided to dine at Joe’s Crab Shack.  But her second real misstep was skipping out on the check.  Unfortunately for Carolee, Joe's Crab Shack management was ready for this potential scenario, as she had recently pulled this stunt there before.  As such, they immediately contacted the local police.  (Which?  I wonder if Corporate Joe’s honored the genius manager who recognized Carolee as someone who previously skipped out on a check, yet seated her again anyway, with a Joe’s Crab Shack Employee of The Month Award for Best Customer Service of the Worst Customer Possible.)

The police responded soon after and found an intoxicated Carolee passed out on the grass, right down the street from the restaurant. (Intoxicated?  Hmmmm, perhaps just like me when forced to dine at Joe’s, Carolee realized she needed a strong dose of liquid courage to aid in the palatability of a Ragin’ Cajun steampot.)  Carolee went on to explain to the officer that her money was at home and she would be happy to pay her bill, if only she could go fetch it.  Apparently drunken Carolee is much the smooth talker, as the officer agreed to this line of reasoning. At this point, I think we all need to take a moment and applaud Carolee for her impressive moxie.  

Together, Carolee and the responding police officer found their way to her apartment.  Once there, Carolee walked into her bedroom where she claimed her money was stored, opened her dresser drawer, and pulled out a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device”.  And no, I’m not referring to her Visa.  It was a sex toy. According to the police report, she then held the ‘device’ over her head and approached the officer in a ‘threatening manner’ (Pause with me a second here.  If being threatened with a sex toy, what is the worst thing you could imagine happening to you?  Getting tickled?  Poked in the eye? Thumped on the head? Or having it jammed in your ear?)

Fortunately the officer sensed the imminent danger, and with deft precision, deflected the device in lieu of being struck.  (Which makes me wonder, does the police academy offer special training classes on sex toy defense?  I can visualize the class right now……“Listen up Cadets. Today we are talking about a serious danger to police officers everywhere, the dreaded sex toy weapon.  Now which of you bozos can answer this question, and think hard assholes, cause your life or your partner’s life might depend on it one day: when faced with a threatening sex toy are you gonna try to block or disarm it from the perp?  WEEEEELL"?)  

Back to the police officer, who chose the blocking tactic.  After successfully thwarting the attack, he placed Carolee under arrest and escorted her to the police department, where he undoubtedly succumbed to massive ridicule heaped upon him from his fellow officers. Carolee on the other hand, was released on a personal recognizance bond and issued a December 6th court date. 

December 6th rolls around, and wouldn’t you know, ole Carolee missed her court call.  This action provoked the honorable Judge Brian Hughes to issue a $75,000 warrant right before Christmas. The warrant was probably worded as such: Be on the lookout for a haggard Caucasian female, who may be trying to steal food, is probably intoxicated, possibly horny, and potentially wielding a uniquely shaped flexible plastic item as a weapon, even though it is totally meant for personal use.

As luck would have it, by December 29^th, Carolee AKA the sex toy fugitive, was apprehended and sitting in jail, unable to meet her $10,000 bond, and probably wishing she had gone to the Outback Steakhouse instead.  Her fate will be determined in the near future, as a new court date has been set.

And as if her current legal woes weren’t enough, Carolee must now endure the indignity of the dreaded unflattering mug shot photo, which a quick internet search shows, proves to be aplenty, as the feisty little Ms. Carolee has incurred past legal indiscretions.  Of the few I’ve seen, the picture where she is wearing a long sleeved t-shirt declaring she’s a “Sport Mom” was the most unexpected.  I guess her "Horny Mom” t-shirt was in the dirty laundry pile that day.

Meanwhile, according to the Chicago Tribune, while Carolee sat in jail (no doubt pondering her future and the wisdom of consuming seafood, moldy or otherwise), her lawyer, Neil Calanca, admonished the arresting police officer and claimed he “should be ashamed” for including the sex toy allegations in the police report, as he (Neil) would have been embarrassed to include such information.  Which I guess could imply that lying passed out drunk in the grass nearby a family restaurant after purposely not paying a restaurant food bill, is perfectly acceptable to Neil.  Or perhaps he was just grasping at straws, because what else is he supposed to say on behalf of such a nitwit of a client?  

After reading all this, curiosity got the best of me and I decided to take stock of my own armamentarium.  I ran upstairs to rifle through my dresser drawer to determine what I could use in a potential I-skipped-out-on-my-restaurant-bill-and-now-the-police-are-in-my-bedroom confrontation.  Compared to Carolee, I obviously lead a more insipid existence, because the best I could muster was a 1993 VHS tape of Homey The Clown skits compiled from various episodes of In Living Color, a pair of earrings I thought I lost, and an old lint brush.

Like other locals following this case, I am awaiting Carolee's new court date.  Given all the facts (and speculations) I have presented, I have some nagging questions about this case that I hope will be answered soon, namely:

• Was the pleasure device ever detained by the police as evidence?
• Will the device be taken in for forensic analysis to support police allegations?  
• Will Carolee.......ever get off?
• Will the Lake County penal system give Carolee......a stiff sentence?
• And finally……did Carolee ever get around to paying her damn food bill?

p.s. You didn’t really think I would adorn my logo with such obvious tackiness, did you?